Madonna has taken over my body

I don’t know what possessed me. I suspect it was the devil because, upon waking this morning, I had the sudden urge to jog. Jog! I hadn’t done any exercise since... well, pretty much ever. Needless to say, my suspicions were aroused. Especially in light of the fact that, a week ago, I decided I wanted to go on a two-week detox (water, water everywhere and every single damn drop to drink). Something was wrong. Something was very, VERY wrong.

I remembered that one time I decided to do a few minutes on an elliptical machine. I spent five minutes on it, and the next five puking my guts up in the bathroom.

So yes, I was wary, but I figured I’d give it a go. I crawled out of bed, donned a tracksuit bottoms (I knew I’d kept them for a reason), a strappy top and my favourite (and only) Nikes, and hit the road.

I jogged for five minutes. I spent the next fifteen trying to get my heart rate back to normal. No vomiting this time, luckily, but I did have that awful queasy feeling.

So now the burning question: should I keep it up? Let’s look at the pros and cons:

Pros: I had that elusive windswept look down to a tee, and a lovely rosy glow in my cheeks. Also, if I keep it up, I’ll become a lot more fit and healthy, and will probably tone up a bit too.

Cons: I had an old woman badger me about getting pneumonia (it wasn’t even cold), and I got wind-burn on my décolletage, which I will now spend the rest of the day scratching.

Hmmm...

While exercise is something I hate, it seems to be inescapable. Every magazine I open, or book I read, or TV programme I watch, seems to exalt the benefits of exercise. Apparently, it keeps you young and fit. (I have my doubts. I mean, look at Madonna. She may be fit, but she’s still a haggard old witch.) Just last night I was reading a book about how unbearable getting old would be if I hadn’t done any exercise. Stiff joints, weak heart, slow reactions. I would have suspected it was a book of horror stories had it not come from the non-fiction section.

In hindsight, that’s probably where my urge to jog came from.

My body is telling me to keep it up, but my mind, in all its infinite wisdom and experience, knows that this is just a passing fad. Sooner or later it will fall by the wayside, like so many other things. It’s just a matter of when.

...

“Hello, Domino’s?”