'Til debt us do part

I don’t like mentioning the R word, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to avoid because there’s nothing like a good old recession to highlight stupidity. But who’s to blame? Is it the stupid banks, or stupid individuals?

Before the whole boom bubble burst, I was standing in the O’Connell Street branch of Bank of Ireland, patiently waiting my turn to tell them what a lousy shower of bastards I thought they were, when along came the security guard asking if anyone would like to apply for a mortgage. Anyone who replied in the affirmative was immediately swept from the queuing quagmire and deposited on a soft, comfy seat to await a private, one-on-one chat with a senior bank employee. The rest of us were left to wait in limbo.

By way of a similar example, a chronic alcoholic I know (who shall remain nameless) decided during a short-lived sober stretch that he was going to buy a house. He approached his bank about getting a mortgage for a relatively meagre amount. Not only did they give him the money, but they gave him an extra forty grand for good measure. This is a man that has suffered with alcohol abuse since his teens and has been living on disability benefits for years.

Needless to say, he drank the lot.

While I don’t condone his behaviour, I also don’t have a jot of sympathy for the bank now having to write it off as a bad debt. And this story is just typical of what went on around the country for so many years. It’s like waving heroin in front of a junkie, then acting like a woman scorned when he grabs it from you.

But does that mean the heroin addict is completely blameless? After all, we wouldn’t have gotten into this mess if we’d just learned to say no. Just as junkies thought “I can quit any time I want”, so too people thought “I can afford to take on this massive mortgage and live outside my means”. I mean, why own just one house when you can have a house, a townhouse, a log cabin in the woods, and a villa in sunny Spain? Why buy a car when you can buy three?

The banks may have thrown money at people, but some people grabbed it with both hands and immediately rushed out to overspend it. And the number one thing that people bought? The idea that money makes you happier, healthier, skinnier, taller, more popular, and better looking.

Shiny shoes? €400.

Jazzy jewellery? €5,000.

The look on your face when you get your bill?

Priceless.