Size matters

We all know of little phrases that bring tears of anger and frustration to our eyes. Lines like "when you live under my roof, you play by my rules" and "you'll understand when you're older" fuel a rare kind of rage normally reserved for passengers on Ryanair flights (do they EVER run on time?!). Well I'd like to add one to the list:

"It only looks smaller 'cause you're a lot bigger now."

You're trying to tell me that Mars bars only appear smaller to me now because my hands are a lot bigger than they were when I was a kid? That Loop the Loops were always that thin? That crisp packets haven't shrunk to half their original size?! Bullshit!

If, indeed, that were the case, why don't other things look smaller? Why don't I look at a slice of bread and think "wow, bread used to be much bigger when I was younger"? Why don't I look at kitchen utensils now and think "fuckin' hell that spoon is small!"?

No, I'm sorry, I wasn't attacked by giant food as a child. Things HAVE gotten smaller. I bought a packet of "medium" Mars bars with my weekly shop. They're the same size as "fun-size" Mars bars used to be! And Loop the Loops have developed some form of eating disorder.

And it's not just Mars bars and frozen sugary treats; most of the confectionery world has down-sized. And just to prove my point, many of you will remember that Monster Munch recently brought out an "original Monster Munch" packet, which was twice the size of today's measly Oliver Twist portions. And the crunchy goodness inside? HUGE, just like the good old days.

So no, it's not because your hands have swelled up like balloons. And no, you won't finally rediscover the magic when your hands are old and wizened. You won't have an eye-opening, life-altering "oh look at that, they were the same size all along" moment.

So the next time someone tries to tell you that it's all your fault your sugary snack seems smaller, and before you go weeping "it's not you, it's me" to your Snickers (the artist formerly known as Marathon), stop and think! And then, fresh from your sugar trip, you can take a deep breath, regain your moral high-ground and hiss back:

"No, asshole, IT'S JUST SMALLER!"